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07:10am 06/08/2009
  its almost 7 am. God help me, i have no idea why i'm still awake. i've been looking at news stories on my cell phone for the past few hours. with all the time i spend on computers at work, you'd think i'd give it a break when i got home. ha!

i've been reading up on george sodini, the guy that did a murder suicide type deal tuesday at a fitness spot (sorry, too lazy to link). apparently, he was pretty socially awkward and had a lot of problems with the ladies. i read his blog and i've felt lonely as he describes.. but i hope i never come across as the psychopath he ultimately turned out to be. i mean, i've never felt down enough to think about killing people, especially those i don't know. i just hope i don't end up as he did.. almost 50, single, childless and crazier than shit. i'd probably put myself out of my misery.

anywho! i've been struggling with dell to have them fix my comp. i have warranty, but they won't send on site repair to come fix it.. although the first time i reported the problems over a year ago, and they refused to send someone.. and then promised a call back i never received.. i DID have the correct warranty. so i ended up getting involved in a yelling match with their outsourced reps until i decided to just file a claim with the BBB.. again. *sigh*

another semi-busy weekend planned, pretty happy about that! hung out in tpa last fri night.. never made it my date afterward. rescheduled for this friday, maybe? w/e.. the guy is totally sketch but i'll expand on him at a later time. def hanging out in orlando saturday, maybe some solo karaoke afterwards?? scooore.

off to get a cpl winks.. last day of the work week. hope it goes a little easier than yesterday when we had systems failure, haha
07:31am 26/07/2009
mood: annoyed
went out this weekend, had a pretty decent time. i got to see one of my old friends that i thought was ignoring me.. i'm not sure what happened to make her drop off the map for 2 months, but w/e. good times were had, that's all that matters.

friday: happy hour in north tampa.. was surprisingly popular with my lilac one-shoulder top. i seriously bought that thing at least 5 years ago but my boobs + belly were too big to wear it. belly still needs work but i think i pulled it off. hot guy gave me his #. that part felt really good.

saturday: ginuwine @ nightclub. very few people know of my ginuwine infatuation. it's died off because his last cd was pretty shitty but it's still strong. i'm mad that i was not more prepared for this event with a cd or something for him to sign. no picture with him, no nothing. it's alright though.. no hot guys at this event, so i left promptly after the concert ended.

also, last night, i got into a spat with this guy i've been texting for approx 6 weeks. we met on a dating site, have spoken on the phone about 2.5 times (including the 1 time on friday night) but he texts me daily. i've already told him that i'm not a big texter and that it shows a lack of social skills to text me the way he does.. he has ignored that fact and continues to do it, so i don't take anything he says seriously. additionally, i think it's absolutely ridiculous that we text at such a volume and he hasn't made much of an effort to hang out (he lives in lutz, which is 30 min probably). i mentioned this to him as well.. and since then, he has invited me:

1. to a club, when i told him my parents were in town
2. out to dinner, and then told me he couldn't go the day of, after the date start time (excuse: i'm broke)

i've been in tampa the past two days for more than 5 hrs each day.. friday, i went to a mall and a bar, and he declined to meet me at either.. both of which i think are very acceptable meeting places. saturday, i invited him to the club (one which he admittedly enjoys) and he declined that one as well. then, he has the audacity to text me "im so bored", to which i reply "you should've come to (insertclubnamehere)".. he mentions that we should hang out afterwards and i get mildly excited until he says he wants me to drive 15-20 minutes (which would probably have been 25-30) out of my way to meet him at some unnamed person's house because he didn't have his car.. at 2:30 am. what?! given the circumstances and the guy's track record, i felt he was out of line. i really could go into more detail about the ridiculous things he says to me, but i think i've painted a good picture. at that point, i simply told him he was wasting my time. i hate feeling like someone doesn't want to hang out with me and that's what his actions were saying. if you can't get something as simple as attention from a man, then what else can you expect? absolutely nothing. he's already told me that he's unemployed and is always broke, so i sure as hell can't expect a nice dinner and night out.. the least you can do is make an effort to spend some time with me. i've put up with the same BS over and over again from different men.. after a while, you have to upgrade your standards. yeah, i'll miss the attention but i know i deserve much more than that.
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04:58am 19/07/2009
  so i've moved to polk county, fl. that has proven to be one of the worst jusgement calls i've ever made. i'm miserable 90% of the time, partially because i have no friends. i've always depended on school to establish those kinds of relationships and now that crutch has crumbled. the few friendships that were preexisting no longer seem to exist.. i grow tired of begging people to hang out or visit. it's tiring. so now, i've receded into hermit like behavior. i tried going out a few times and was not really satisfied. often times observing families/couples in happy settings is more excrutiating than spending weekends alone.

so now i'm up at 5 am with puffy eyes trying to figure out how i got here. but does it really matter?
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03:36am 28/12/2007
  it's 3:30a and i'm terribly bored. i read up on some of my old entries and they made me laugh to see how emo i was in the past.. but it also made me realize how far i've come as a person in the past two years. so i think i'm gonna start posting again. at the very least, it's amusing to recall past situations and how different they are now (i.e. my infatuation with jerry, lmao). well, i'm feeling lame so i won't post now.. but expect something in the near future.

get excited. :)

**EDIT: my journal will be friends only from now on, so please make sure you're signed in if you're on my friends list**
10:10am 21/04/2006
  if anyone remembers, after "whoa" by black rob hit, someone from the south put out a similar song but it was called "man".. does anyone know who it was?  
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07:42am 11/04/2006
  i don't know how i manage to do it but i always end up with the shortest end of the stick when it comes to my relationship with friends. it's just..really frustrating for me to put in effort and not see it reciprocated, or see some pathetic attempt at it being reciprocated. it really bites to have someone on your mind and they are not even thinking of you enough to call or send an IM. i always feel like i am being replaced, by a sig. other most likely, or just another peson who is more attractive or is more approachable than i am. i want to know why my friends no longer confide in me.. do you feel as if i am not trustworthy? do you think i will not take you seriously? it hurts me to know that major things are happening in their lives and i have to find out about them through facebook, myspace, LJ, BP, other people, etc.

how is it that you can just drop people from your lives so nonchalantly? i mean, i drop guys like that all the time. it took a little practice, but if i never really got to know you, i don't really feel like i'm losing anything. but if know you.. man, it's a different story. no fight, no riff, you just stop caring. but it gets you thinking - maybe they were never your friend in the first place..

but i think this is life. sometimes you just have to shed your skin and start over again. i'm just really tired of being fucked over. maybe i need to get a boyfriend/husband type figure so i can feel how it is to completely erase my friends from every aspect of my existence.

i wasn't like this before, i don't know what happened. i don't know when i started placing so much trust in flesh.. and damn.. why do i have the same person on my mind every single day? it's annoying as fuck.. i don't know how it happens.. doesn't make me want them back in my life, it's just this.. feeling.. like this warm fuzziness that makes you reminisce the past, but deep down inside you remember that it wasn't all gravy all the time and that you are better moving on. but even deeper down, you wish it could've worked although you know it never would have.

emo emo emo post but damn, i needed to write it down. i've been carrying so much on my heart the past few months and it's been overbearing. that combined with the 209302 new commitments i have + 18 credit course load has been driving me absolutely batty.
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honestly, i thought i was stronger than this   
06:24pm 09/12/2005
  is it wrong to disown your heritage? i know that's an ignorant question to ask and i'm almost ashamed for saying it.. but damn. i wish i was more proud of who i was. who my people were. what i was doing with my life and how i was choosing to spend my time.

i saw jerry last night with the apparent reason he suddenly halted all communications with me. i knew that's what it was, but it got me to thinking, maybe he had a girlfriend the entire time? yeah, that's some bullshit. i mean yeah, ryan broke my heart about three times, but i'll have to give it to him - he wasn't a punk about his. eventually, i didn't have to worry about why he stopped calling me or what was going on. it makes me think that maybe at one time, he did actually care about me. ha.. but yeah, don't come smile in my face with your girl if you know good and well what you did. that's some bullshit right there. truthfully, i wouldn't have dated jerry myself but it kind of made me jealous to see him there with a girl.. yeah, i really don't know what kind of dude would bring his girl to a CLUB but whatever.

but that club.. it made me realize..
1.) i hate 99% of reggae
2.) i really don't like island guys
3.) i mean i really really don't like island guys. hate to stereotype an entire race but uh.. i just don't have luck with them.
4.) some people are ruthlessly horny and are not afraid to show it
5.) i will never fit in anywhere i go.
6.) most people will do things they know are wrong if they think they can get away with it. i'm not just talking about stealing and committing crimes, i'm talking about treating others badly. breaking hearts. running game. lying to people. fucking around. i never thought it in the past but it's too true.
7.) i am not attracted to 90% of black guys anymore, unless they don't look black or something like that. i feel bad but i can't help it. i look at them and all i see is a dirty ass dog. i feel hate and resentment and animosity.. all of these feelings i should never feel. but i look at a chico or a white guy and i don't feel those things. wait.. now that i think about it, i don't feel bad. black guys don't like me either.

maybe i am in the wrong place. maybe i made a bad choice. this lifestyle is just not for me. i like to have fun but i think i am one of the only people my age who do not attribute fun to drinking, sexual activities, drugs or partying. maybe that makes me a prude, but i can't change who i am.

i'm just.. really tired of getting upset over shit like this. i'm tired of being affected by how other people treat me. i'm ready for someone of the opposite sex to like me for who i am instead of what he thinks he's going to get. i'm ready to be real with someone and stop playing these petty games with guys. i guess i'm just tired of being young and stupid..

maybe ryan was right. i am always the victim.
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03:45pm 24/11/2005
  i can't believe today is thanksgiving. it seems somewhat surreal. i don't think i've ever felt so alone in my life.  
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12:11am 14/11/2005
  soo.. apparently the goose has rotted my brain.. either that or the chartwell's pasta.

i can't remember anyone.

i had someone add me on facebook.. i recognized her name and face, but i couldn't place my finger on where i knew her from.

on a much worse note, a lot of people start speaking to me around campus or strike up a conversation.. or wave or perform some other action that would indicate that they know me.. and i don't know who they are for the life of me.

so if you wave at me, or say hello and i have this blank look on my face, yeah.. i don't know who the hell you are.

sorry in advance.
01:25am 01/11/2005
  i'm tired of being me. :\  
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08:15pm 03/10/2005
The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Your exact opposite:
The Stiletto

Deliberate Brutal Sex Master
Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

BEWARE: The Hornivore

CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy, The Boy Next Door

Link: The Dating Persona Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: screenname3192
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the long awaited update   
11:00pm 30/09/2005
mood: cold
well hello again my lj friends! :)

life is not going so well, but why be sad? yes, i'm failing circuits, yes i dropped physics.. and yes i am probably going to change my major.. but through it all, i am still oddly optimistic.

why? because of him... oo. i am a nerd. lol.

well. i don't think i will jinx myself anymore because we made it past the first encounter, rofl. where to begin.. his name is jerry and he goes to another university in town.. he is taller than me (woot) and we get along really well.. he can keep a good conversation and i don't really hesitate to tell him much of anything. i mean, i do sometimes regardless of how well we click, he is still a guy i am interested in and i still have to watch what i say. he really seems like a good guy.. but not too good, you know? very cute, was raised right..and likes to laugh like me :) definitely a must have. i just feel so happy when i'm around him..

i know i like him and i want to be his girl but the problem is i'm not sure if he feels the same way? i am almost positive that he likes me too (at least in a physical way) but we have been talking for a smidge over a week and he still has not asked me out. truthfully, we have only met three times but we talk every day (except for today!) but man, how long am i supposed to wait? i decided to give it another week and then i will address the issue. i'm starting to feel really anxious. this may be a good or bad thing.. but i mean, if i just come out and just ask him it will make things awkward.. but at the same time, i don't want to waste my time. i really hope he is not one of those guys who is like "i'm too young for commitment, too young to be in love etc etc" because i don't have time for it.. but really, why else would be spending so much time with me? like 4 hours the first time, 14 the second and 4 wednesday night? ughh it really doesn't make sense and i hate bringing up discussions like this but i think i'll just give it some time. i'm just excited to find someone half decent in this town! :)

(and the funny thing is, he asked me if i kept a diary and i said yes.. and he asked if i wrote about him.. and i do! lol.. i really hope he doesn't find this, because that would suck)

football game this weekend. NOT excited.

thinking of changing my major to meteorology (yeah, i know.. wtf?! ) i'm just not enjoying engineering anymore. i hate the circuit stuff, and i'm not really sure what i'm going to be doing when i get out of school. i don't like that at all. i'm just really worried i'm going to be doing something i don't want to be doing. my whole reasoning behind being in audio engineering was because i liked music and wanted to pursue music recording, but audio engineering is more of a technical, building-stuff degree :( yes, the money is a lot better.. but i think i would be interested in meteorology more. the funny thing is that it's still a science degree but the pay really sucks! so i think i will double major in something else. maybe math because after this semester i will only be two classes away from a major in math. crazy!! marine science looks pretty good too. i'm probably going to start observing people at the national hurricane center this semester..

i'm also probably going to get a job off campus again.. which will bring my job count up to 3, but hey.. what am i to do? i have no money :(

well, i think this entry is long enough.. the majority of the people probably will not make it this far, but if you took the time to be honestly interested in my life, i love you.

until next time..
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12:38am 15/09/2005
mood: distressed
i know there is someone out there.. looking for me, the same way i am looking for him. there has to be, or else the rest of my life is going to be long and dreary. sometimes i wonder if i want to take the chance and look for that long. :'(

and the fact that my roommate has a boyfriend REALLY does not help AT ALL.

well this message is for you, future soulmate (fuck a soulmate, let's just get along and be non-trifling!):

COME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING CLOSET! i'm getting tired of waiting for your ass!

and i know it's hot and musty in there, anyway.

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02:00pm 14/08/2005
mood: rejected
some of my friends really freaking suck.

i've said it before, and i'll say it again.


i put so much time and effort into some friendships, calling to see how they are doing, counseling, sending cards, etc. etc. only to be slapped with the reality that they will NEVER call me back or would rather hang out with another friend who they complain about constantly.

i really don't understand. should i start drama all the time? would that make people like me more? someone, please explain.

it seems that way for all relationships. people would rather hang around the person who gives them headaches. that they fight with all of the time.

or maybe they are just lying to me. who knows? the only thing i know is that i need new friends. i'm sticking to my pact that i'm not naming any names but if you know you're being a shitty ass friend, i'm not giving you the opportunity any longer. i would like to say that i'm sorry, but hey, i'm not. i've been sitting back being docile for too long. if you don't want to talk to me, then guess what? you no longer have the obligation to!

now, this doesn't apply if i just haven't talked to you this summer... if you're a miami-ite or w/e, because that stuff is understandable. i haven't been calling the majority of you either, because.. hey. i never have much to talk about anyway. sorry. :)

ugh. moving on..

anyway, my love life went to accelerating at a comfortable speed when i first got here to a dead halt. i'm not sure what happened. i guess meeting me once was enough to know that they were completely not interested >.< and then the guy i really do not like AT ALL will not leave me alone. i just don't understand. i need a mail order groom or something.

oh, btw. i'm already at UM. i'm moving in tomorrow, come visit me.. mahoney 735 :)
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12:08am 27/07/2005
the big ass line on my forehead that EVERYONE NOTICES. i ran into a glass table or fell through it when i was a tot, and my aunt told my mom i didn't need stitches.. and guess what? i DID because now i have this STUPID SCAR.

dumbo, bad company, monsters inc posters.. lots of mums from school dances.. michael jordan pictures... football pictures... greeting cards... girls state photos.. medals... mirror

hip hop and r&b mostly.. but i'm delving into some of the caribbean and latin flavor

6:12 AM on 6/12.. that makes me extra special!

to be truly happy with myself and my situation...... but if you're looking for material possessions.. one of those suv trucks wouldn't be a bad idea.. or just a whole bunch of money.. and a boy toy as well.

certain people, certain times with certain people. being a "good girl"

i like curly hair. when i say curly, i mean the REAL curly hair. the kind you get through birth. other than that, a clean, sharp cut is a MUST.

the toilet? i don't know? i can't see myself being proposed to, period.

15. DO YOU LIKE ----?
no, i hate that bitch.

JACKIE BROWN! Kill Bill/Kill Bill2, Dumbo, Brown Sugar, Ghost Dad? The last one is a wild card..


no telling. i'm just a renegade like that.

french and spanish, but not fluent in either one

the necklace thingy ryan got me for christmas. i was 18! how sad.

i like BEP a lot now. usher is nice. jay-z. mariah carey is too. outkast..uhh..erykah badu..i don't like the word favorite. it's definitely not CIARA though. lol.

damn. i fucked up number 21. BEP and outkast.. boyz ii men.

classics, motivational.. mysteries.. murder, etc.

mmmm where should i start? cookies n cream ice cream, sweet potato pie.. cheesecake.. just to name a few

i don't drink coffee :)

it changes depending on my company

i know better now.

i don't know, i never have.. i guess i should start. i figure people just know, i try to show them through my actions because the words never sound quite right and writing it down just isn't enough.

brunettes, blondes, redheads.. in that order.

holly, angela, stef, dex.......... my mom.

trifling ass dudes! like the ones who live at home with their parents at an age above 21 with a sub par job, no education and no future. and try to get with me. i'm not trying to be snotty but damn, have some ambition or something. oh, and dudes who couldn't get with me and now they make up rumors that they did. that shit is real annoying.

probably, in middle school.

tee hee ;) not really a crush, just some thoughts.. i guess..

being lonely for the rest of my life. or being an old maid. that would suck.. ::hums akon's mr. lonely::

what's the deal cuzzin? where are my 10 keys? <--totally random..

i thought i did at the time, in my defense. okay, maybe i didn't.. i just didn't want to hurt any feelings or lose that person..gah

talking to dwayne

38. What were you doing last night at midnight?
prolly talking to dex and mary.. playing the sims.. looking on ebay, as usual
02:59am 23/04/2005
mood: morose
after the previous 'lyric' entry.. i guess i'll write a real entry now.

i'm sorry to my loyal fans (all two of you) for not writing and updating. but chances are, if we're close you already know what's going down in my life.

so.. me and ryan are no longer.. me and ryan. there is no 'and' to the equation anymore. he wanted to talk to someone else.. and i knew it would tear me apart so i let him go, in a strange sort of way. three weeks later and i am still yearning for him..oh it depresses me in ways i cannot describe in words.

a lot of people say that i should feel liberated. that i deserve better, that i can do better and that he was no good for me. it wouldn't have worked. we were going two different directions. it was for the best. and i try to convince myself of all these things.. and it just doesn't sink in. times like these.. i lay in bed.. and cry.. and remember the way his hand felt in mine, or the way he used to piss me off. isn't it crazy that i miss him pissing me off?

i sometimes think that this was my fault. i mean, i always do.. it's always my fault, i always blame myself.. maybe if i hadn't moved to miami.. maybe if i had come home and been with him..christ, maybe if i had actually started dating him.. but the truth is, i told him i loved him and doesn't that mean more than any boyfriend girlfriend bullshit? i don't know.. i can't believe this is actually happening.. and it was three weeks ago! get a grip.

anyway, tonight me and stef went and saw amityville horror and i screamed like a baby. reminded me of ryan.. and how we would go to scary movies and i would try not to get scared so i wouldn't look like such a pussy. i can't be myself around everyone, i realize this.. me and antionette got into it because of it and stef kinda got agged at me too. maybe i don't know who 'me' is anymore.

well. i have a headache. i might write something more later.
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12:42pm 22/04/2005
mood: sad
the beautiful days are long gone
i can’t seem to breathe
it feels like it hasn’t been that long
since you walked away from me
now I can try to act real strong
but you and I both know I still think of you that way
you should know…that

the beautiful lights the star filled nights
they don’t mean a thing
'cause you were my star and so it don’t seem right
without you here with me
now I can try to act real strong
but you and I both know its hard for me to say
you were my soul…

now I could say that I don’t love you no more
and I could say that I’ve closed the door for our love
and I can tell you I feel It’s time for us to go our separate ways
but baby I just wouldn’t be the same
'cause boy your love is still on my brain

now when you're in love it takes time to heal
when someone’s broken your heart and changes how you feel
boy I thought that you’d never do me that way
but even after all I still think of you that way

now I could say that I don’t love you no more
and I could say that I’ve closed the door for our love
and I can tell you I feel It’s time for us to go our separate ways
but baby I just wouldn’t be the same
'cause boy your love is still on my brain

now love is a game that we both like to play
but will I win or lose if I go or if I stay
even though I try to hide my broken heart inside
boy you know me inside out and I can’t get you off my mind

now I could say that I don’t love you no more
and I could say that I’ve closed the door for our love
and I can tell you I feel it’s time for us to go our separate ways
but baby I just wouldn’t the same
'cause boy your love is still on my brain
01:27pm 13/04/2005

You Belong in Paris

Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris.

The art, the fashion, the wine, the men!

Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...

You'll love living in the most chic place on earth

What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

real entry sometime before i die.
12:11am 29/03/2005
mood: pathetic
oh, i wish i was an oscar meyer weiner
that is what i'd really like to be
'cause if i was an oscar meyer weiner...
everyone would be in love with me

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09:55pm 19/03/2005
mood: discontent
dunno where to start.. let's see..

thursday: went to see dexter (and brandon).. made me very happy.. thank you, thank you, thank you for making time for me dex.. i know how busy you are and i'm glad i got to spend some time with you :)

friday: stayed gone for a while.. went to see diary.. good times with holly and andy, ryan came up to the movies randomly.. which made me happy.. we hooked up later and went to the lake.. which also made me v. v. happy.

today: got my hair done, went with lynsey to get her tattoo! gorgeous dove, turned out better than i expected! i wanted to vomit though, isn't that funny? i wasn't even getting the tattoo. ryan came over and we played video games for an hour.. was expecting more, not sure? i think i was being a bitch because brittany doesn't like to lose. AT ANYTHING. i hate this, because by the time i realize i was being a bitch it's too late. i asked him if anything was wrong and he said no, but i think we all knew there was.. i wish this hadn't happened RIGHT before i leave.. i wanted to spend some time with him, i'm not sure why. so i can cry my eyes out like i always do? maybe it was best that he left suddenly. if he doesn't call tonight, i'll call him tomorrow and apologize. i apologize a lot these days, especially to ryan. i'm not sure if it's a good thing because i'm admitting my mistakes or it's bad because maybe it means i'm making more of them. hmm.

well, i leave tomorrow. it's a bittersweet thing, i guess. i'm staying in tonight, probably should be going out since being at home depresses me, but i have homework (that i don't understand) anyway. i think i will go out for a little while.

kristy is supposed to call me at 11, and i'm excited because i haven't talked to her in a long long time. does that make me weird? ha.

on a serious note, i think i have some kind of social anxiety disorder? like, i think something is always wrong with the relationships i have with other people.. sometimes i intentionally drive people away. a lot of times i really don't like being around people. some people i like being around, like my friends in texarkana. but my family and a lot of people in miami get on my nerves. maybe i really don't belong there. maybe i don't belong anywhere. i don't know.. all i know is that i need start living one day at a time, because i can't handle this 'living for the future' stuff.
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